When I got home that night
as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something
to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in
her eyes..
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I
had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the
topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she
asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her
angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a
man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew
she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could
hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I
didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense
of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own
our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and
then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life
with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time,
resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I
loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was
what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of
release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks
seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back
home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t
have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because
I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was
still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over
and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce
conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s
notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both
struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple:
our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt
him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But
she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her
into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day
for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front
door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last
days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane
about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it
was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the
divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any
body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So
when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our
son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words
brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then
to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed
her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I
nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She
went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I
hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I
wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I
lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman
who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I
realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell
Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by.
Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was
choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but
could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have
grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was
the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit
me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.
Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son
came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him,
seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part
of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him
tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my
mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the
bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded
my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like
our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On
the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our
son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed
that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car
swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me
change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to
her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She
looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a
fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I
won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I
didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each
other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on
our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane
seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the
door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the
floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The
salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll
carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That
evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run
up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been
fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice.
She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the
whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with
the divorce.
— At least, in the eyes of our son — I’m a loving husband...
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a
relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the
bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot
give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s
friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do
have a real happy marriage!
